Fault and Change
Well, it turns out the 30 day challenge was really a 31 day challenge! So here is the challenge for July 1: “Think of all the things that are not working in your life. That job you don’t like, that relationship that’s not working, those friends that annoy you. Now turn them all on you. Imagine that everything that’s not working in your life, is your fault. How would you approach it? What would you work on to change your life to the state that you want it to be?”
I’ve always been a big believer in personal responsibility. And in the past several years I have moved even further in this direction. Humans, generally, seem to gravitate toward playing the victim role- something in our life isn’t working out how we want because of X circumstance that is completely out of our control. We LOVE to sit with our friend and talk about how unfair life is, to grip about X circumstance. If only we could catch a break, if only our luck would change- making our circumstances different, well, then life would work out how we want!
Have you ever wondered how some people seem to do much better than others at handling the same circumstances? Your company lays off a bunch of people. Some of those people get new jobs pretty quickly. Others struggle for a long time to find a new job. We tend to attribute the difference to luck. But is it? Maybe those who get new jobs quickly did a better job of maintaining a professional network. Or maybe it’s something much more subtle- like attitude. What if a positive, hopeful attitude creates a subtle more positive impression as someone goes through the process of looking for a job? Maybe their attitude cause them to make just a few extra contacts every day.
I have really come to believe that we are much more in control of our lives than most of us believe. This is a concept that makes many people uncomfortable, and often even angry. But if you get angry at an idea, there is a good chance it is hitting close to home- to a truth that’s there that you aren’t ready to embrace yet.
Accepting responsibility doesn’t mean that everything is totally your fault. Let’s look at some extreme examples. First, an abusive relationship. It’s not your fault if your partner is beating you up. However, if you stay in a relationship in which a pattern of abuse has been established- that choice is your responsibility. If you want the situation to change, you can make a different choice.
Given the same set of circumstances, people with different attitudes and outlooks will achieve different outcomes. Take the example of large natural disasters. Thousands of people have their homes and livelihoods wiped out, many of these people have no insurance or no savings. Yet some people are able to rebuild their lives, while others languish in FEMA trailers, sinking deeper into despair.
I find that when I suggest to a group of people that there is an element of personal responsibility for all of our circumstances, generally at least one person asks something like “But what about all the starving people in Africa?” Obviously, there are things that happen to all of us that we can’t control. But how we deal with the situation IS in our control. On the surface, it may appear that some people are luckier. But we almost always make our own luck. Just having the attitude that you have personal responsibility for the outcomes in your life will affect things like the choices you make and your ability to see and act on opportunities.
I have been experimenting with the idea of things in my life that aren’t working being my fault. I’m finding it works. When you look for things that you can change, and make those changes, you get better results. It’s certainly not easy, but definitely worthwhile.
So, if you have never thought about this before- and especially if your initial reaction to the challenge is anger- try something different. It won’t cost you anything to think about how you could be at fault. Be open minded. It might change your life.
